Yup..Turns out I am..took a test and everything http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm.. It was a self test to check for high sensitivity and well yeah no points for guessing how I fared 😛 As the title suggests..Highly Sensitive..Man, must be the only test in which I scored so damn well 🙂 With that background( I am trying to get the american teenage girl/boy out of my head because am thinking and hence writing with that kinda accent! Consequence of recently being addicted to Vampire Diaries..Pardon me)
So, with that background, am free to explore this one topic that has plagued me for a strong part of my life. Being Sensitive.. Cultural perceptions have a strong influence on how sensitivity is perceived. And being sensitive need not equate to being a weakling or spoilt brat!That’s what I understand from the writings of Dr. Elaine Aron PhD, author of the book ‘ The Highly Sensitive Person’ ( Americans.. Have research on everything! :P)
Wow..liberating..Have a strong mother-figure in my life..Mom..means crying was seen as oh! so bad.. Be strong..Be strong was the constant chant spoken into my ears since as far as I can remember and it has not done good things to my concept of self. Constantly beating myself up for underperformance, crying, not tolerating abundant stimuli(I cant be around screaming people or people who talk loudly) is a daily make-up of who I am..Cities..Urgh..I hate them! The traffic the noises..the hurry..the rudeness..stifles me.. and you know what..
Its OK.Breathe.. 🙂 ..I may be sensitive but I am not weak..Infact its easy to be strong when you are not sensitive..Try it when you are aware of all of it! And yet I am strong, inspite of being sensitive..Here and now, in this moment I have the courage to say to myself and to you..I am sensitive but not weak. And yes I am tearing up as I write this statement because its been a long and tiring battle..no..WAR against myself.. And thats the worst sort..Its gonna come back though..My need for reassurance and that too will be fought..valiantly..No am not an addict, and yes I have a stable home, And no I have not been abused in anyway..
But I AM SENSITIVE and NOT WEAK and THAT’S OK.
Yeees , thats the sad truth about it..I would refer you to a facebook page of an artist whose’s recent work has given the melancholy of my heart a visual form.https://www.facebook.com/vimalpaintings..His recent collection’ Unposted letters’ have such a sweet simplistic depth that it translates to profound..In experience..Profound to experience..I am not devastated yet..Just Melancholic..And what sweet melancholy it is..It has a lovely ring to it, I think, Melancholy..It’s tough to separate fear, uncertainity, vulnerability and the million feelings that come with a breakup and to just see and identify Melancholy..and experience it..But Vimal’s Painting collection of ‘Unposted letters’ helps me do just that..Melancholy for all that was and all that could have been in a perfect world..But what is perfect and what is not, who is to say..It is and I feel it..and I got to experience it..That I see as a gift..I have experienced Happiness..in all forms I would like to imagine..The ecstatic, the simple, the profound..I have experienced sadness..as a tempest for most part..Like the raging seas and thunder and lightning sort..But Melancholy..Thats new..It hurts..But apparently it shows am alive..Philosophical nonsense..But there is a sense of the profound in this feeling of Melancholy..It’s hard to give words to..I would like to refer you to a blog post I read that treats Melancholy so beautifully and gives it the ode it deserves.. http://embodimentchronicle.wordpress.com/2012/01/28/the-happiness-of-melancholy-appreciating-the-fragile-beauty-of-life-and-love/..I guess that is experiencing Melancholy on a whole different level but I would like to think of it as one of the more human experiences that needs to be painted in a new light..It may be sweet sorrow..It may be gentle waves crashing at your feet bringing bitter-sweet memories..It may be the sad notes played on a flute..But to the person experiencing it in the fullness of the moment..all poetic reference may be lost and it becomes simply and purely what it is..Melancholy.
Yes, its a difficult phase right now,pulling my act together..A quote tells me..When we don’t know the answers we must learn to live the question because then somewhere in the future..we might be worthy of living the answers..the author is Rainer Rilke..Its difficult..To live the question..It takes everything out of you..It pushes you to points of helplessness that you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy..But there you are,You’re living the question, and how,the last time I was in a limbo state like this was i guess before I got my admissions to a university for my bachelors..But that somehow didnt feel painful..Of course..the reasons for my pain now are much more personal and intimate now but I see people around me going through that same state of unsettlment..Unrest..It hurts me..Not just my pain..but the collective unrest that my generation is going through at this phase..All we can do is sit tight and flow through to the transition to the next phase..Living the question..Birthing pains..Only pain gives rise to new beginnings..Healthy beginnings..Thats about as much as optimism I permit myself..But then is there the fear? Of what after you get the answer?Yes, ofcourse..the mundane existance that awaits once the answers arrive..then what? What what what what what!!…Breathe…Live the question..Live in the moment.
It took me awhile..To see that I was the proverbial damsel in distress..Took me even longer to realize I myself was the knight in shining armor..And it took forever to get the knight to focus on the most important damsel in distress..In this case- myself..It was as clear as day to some people..Those who bothered at least..that I was as insecure as it gets..Inadequacy plagued me all my life and I wondered how did it go unnoticed all this time..WHen actually it was being noticed..I guess i was so busy flowing with the current of life that i never took time to look at myself..And actually see me. ANd what if I saw..WHat next..the knight was in no mood to look at the damsel because the knight was too busy saving everyone else..But well..ALmost after a year of arriving on the banks of my inner river of peace and strength..I guess am finally brave enough to dip a toe into it.The knight has finally decided to turn around and save this damsel first..And fall in love with her.. and see her for the beautiful creature she is..SHe tried high and low to find validation..of herself..of her trials and triumphs and joys and miseries..and yet she seeked without..not knowing she has to seek within and even then it seemed so ridiculous..WHat was there to seek within she asked..And no one had an answer..COz the answer was no one else’s to give..It was her’s to seek and find..To scale the walls that separated her from her knight and to scream out to him, drag him, to get him to pay attention to her..It took all these years of realization..facing and leading upto acceptance of all her mind blocks and chains which was what that wall was built with, to get over it..to peek and see the knight..soo busy saving other lives..But yes she is lucky she has a knight like that in her..Proof to her she is not totally damaged..And thats a relief..OFcourse the addiction of the wall will pull her in the future..No one wants to be happy for too long..it gets well, it gets kinda boring..She was told in so many words to appreciate her gifts..To be proud of who she is..But she wanted validation from the one person who couldnt give it to her..The people who laid the foundation the wall..She didnt realize that she had the choice to break it before it got too big..It got big and she was the one who made it…Brick by brick..But the poor darling didnt know better..She was but a slave to the wall..And now for the first time..SHe sees the wall..cracking..Pushing forth light..light she dared not hope could be hers.. and yet its here..falling through the cracks..ANd the river is helping..The river within..The river of inner joy, companionship and peace.
As an afterthought after reading on the Gnostic symbolism loaded in the movie NOAH on 2/4/14
And yet as I grapple with the aloneness of my existence and the loneliness that comes with the package..I understand the futility with which the entire world looks to a higher power to alleviate us from our problems..I wud not let go of the notion entirely..Only sayin that I see now..My life is not very different from the humankind’s struggle with loneliness..of not having anyone else to look to..to understand the entire point of it all..to grow for..to thrive for..Yes..there is a predetermined path..Yes there is a plan..But it is carved as a result of our deeds or our ancestral deeds..
Our efforts..bearing fruit or not bearing fruit..is a consequence of our deeds..ours..Prayer and Penance gives us reward..coz its been seen as sufficient to overcome our deeds and take us to the desired place..the place we desired..And by being seen I don’t even mean being seen by a higher power..I mean a carefully calibrated internal system within this world exists that weighs our deeds..a weighing scale weighed relatively..by the prices generations have paid over the millennia..based on that an internally calibrated system has been set in to place..and that system set by us..decides if we deserve what we want..or shud we learn to be satisfied with what we need..or deserve..which has already been pre-determined..It’s a crazy cycle..
I feel..for the misfortune of others..More so because that’s my calling..To heal..yes I wish I was guided and didn’t have to make difficult choices ..yes I wish I had a higher power to fall back on..but that’s the human in me..the attachment in me..I need to fall back on myself..I need to learn to be with myself..and only then will all else follow..I have at this juncture of my life..made a choice..Its damn scary..writing it down even makes it absolute..sort of..And yet..I must understand I am of those lot for whom life is as they choose..and I choose..even at my own cost..for the happiness of others..yes my needs come..yes there still is a point where I hold the crutch and I need the crutch.
But there is no happiness in holding that crutch..there is only decay..the pinnacle of growth I needed to achieve holding that crutch is approaching..the crutch of religion and I must choose to move away from that crutch soon..For mankind..well we still have a crazy long way to go..till then I am not going to let go of my crutch for the timebeing..Well if mankind needs millennia more..I think I can afford to hold on to my crutch for a few more months 😉
Mankind..we need the crutch now right..ya I get that..to reach stability..like a parent..we need that crutch..of higher powers..of religions..of institutions to follow..Till we reach there..INSHALLAH we will reach there..Slow and steady..Its scary mind you..but the crutch is there..fuelled by us..or is it?
With still a glimmer of hope remaining for myself and humanity
Well, expanded and differentiated most certainly.Falling in love shouldn’t be all that our movies talk about.Knight in shining armor shouldn’t be the one to rescue the princess.Happily ever after shouldn’t be propagated and chased so fiercely.Our unhappiness and lack of social success shouldn’t be the fodder to project our unfulfilled fantasies onto movies and then waiting for it to happen in reality and then get disappointed. Gosh! It’s a vicious cycle!And then there is lust.The biggest confused bigot.Lust is purely instinctive. All the butterflies and the romantic BGM,the works.Love however, is Choice. Purely Neo-cortex oriented- choice. That’s sure enough comforting.Fair enough but not that simple enough
And there are the other left and right gaping spaces in the spectrum that no one bothers to talk about..Love between friends..parent and child..siblings..random strangers who feel a connection that is not sexual for no other reason than just the connection..Kindred spirits..The intensity and the passions;the kindnesses and loyalties that stem from this spectrum is so oh so underrated that I might shed a tear for them right here and now..We must rediscover the fascination and joy in all this spectrum..left and right..and project it onto an equal pedestal of that of romantic love..
And I speak for an entire generation when I say its gonna be tough..because we have to learn it from scratch..After ‘the happily ever after’ does not necessarily have to be ‘elevated expectations coming crashing down’ leading to ‘reality’ being the same as ‘sad and ugly’.. After ‘the happily ever after’ can come the phase where they both integrate their individual spectrum of relationships into each other’s spectrum to produce vibrant and bombastic Auroras!! :))) and it has to be just as exciting as the happily ever after..And i really think movies can help with that..Now ok, am not saying people live lives according to the TV but a whole lot of us have been impression-ed from a very young age and well we look for that kind of pictorial celebration of things in our ordinary life..the background score..the violin..the sad music.. the montage..and it would definitely mass-inspire and lead to a wider movement of appreciation of things..Love is just love folks..Unconditional and beautiful..and the sad boxes we trap them into and the damn inadequate pedestals we put them on is the first reason for unhappiness, atleast in the normal cases..Holistic living should be the happily ever after in the movies..The joys and sorrows of everyday choices should be the hero and villans, and then finally ladies and gentlemen..you have a fairly tale with a touch of reality 🙂 A beautiful reality.