This is more of a confession I think and a declaration. To myself. To at least put it out there, to allow me to accept this decision of mine because these are times where I am navigating this whole process alone with not many ‘go to’ people in the picture , maybe partly because am not willing to seek help or because I seem to go to all the wrong people most of the time.
I was almost stubbornly clinging to the idea of romantic love happening to me and that leading to marriage for the longest time. Subconsciously rejecting any proposal as part of the arranged marriage process before it even got to stage where I interact with the potential groom because I thought there must be someone out there. And not just anyone, it had to be someone already known to me, at least the families were familiar to each other so that it would simply be the union of two friends with the promise of a filial love and the families would naturally develop a cordial bond with no effort.
Something like what we Indians like to call ‘love & arranged marriage’.
And for what I now have come to believe are childish reasons like ‘Destiny’ and ‘Meant to Be’ and ‘Believe’ and all that( I can almost hear the Disney Background music)
Deep down I held on for the longest time (more than 5 years: Don’t ask me how I know that so precisely) to that hope and that dream while leading a very normal life of a seemingly cool person. I am happy in the meanwhile I can claim to have lived a full and happy life with every possible experience a young lady in my time and age should have to be content and a career she is passionate about and proud of even. To my credit there even was a gentleman in the picture who ‘fit the bill’. But the universe had other plans. One cannot be such a hopeless closet romantic and have a successful personal life by shutting away so much.
Maybe I need to let go of the idea that whatever is in store for me simply must happen a certain way. After all isn’t the destination what is important, or is it the path??But is it being stubborn or simply going with something that just resonates with you so well. I am just tired of figuring all that out.
It is of course no great tragedy that has occurred here. But I see it as a surrendering of my spirit, something I was truly proud of. Or maybe it was simply my ultimate barrier of fear preventing the universe from granting my heart’s true need.Or just plain old ego.Who knows anymore.
From here on my participation in the arranged marriage circus (Yes, it is still one grand circus)has become true and complete. Or at least I will strive to do justice to the process as much as this petrified heart of mine permits.